Defending date me docs
They're fine. Stop being so judgemental.
*Record scratch* *freeze frame*
You're probably wondering how we ended up here.
Never in 10^100 years would I ever have pictured myself defending one of the many socially unusual tendencies considered kosher in the effective altruist and rationalist communities. Yet here we are, standing on the precipice of what I view as a messy and ultimately misunderstood issue — that of 'date me docs'.
For those living under a rock, or those who have managed to resist Twitter's addiction-inducing stranglehold, discourse around date me docs has ignited a firestorm of takes. I think many of these takes are not very good, and I'm here to challenge them.
With that, my intention with this blog post is to defend my date me doc compadres as they pursue true love in their own special way.
What's a date me doc?
A date me doc is a document (often a Google doc) that someone in pursuit of love puts together describing what they're like, and what they're looking for romantically. Imagine Hinge, but if it had relevant information, instead of how the person hates pineapple on pizza or wants someone "with a good sense of humour" (yawn).
The cool thing about date me docs is they can be whatever you want them to be, unchecked by any norms of brevity, style, or structure. Add your pros and cons. Explain your hobbies in detail. Link your SoundCloud, or your Metaculus profile. Tell the world what you find exciting about your work; what your favourite breakfast foods are; what your favourite ABBA song is; or what your AI timelines really are. The (dating) world is your oyster.
A dating doc is your own blank canvas. With that comes a sort of artistic freedom you can't quite get with 500-character limits and canned prompts that cause people's eyes to glaze over.
What's the big deal?
Despite the innocuousness of writing a document describing what you're looking for in a partner, date me docs have incited a moral panic amongst the Twitteriat.
"fellas, please don't make a Date Me page", one remarked. "Imagine the level of cringe seeing one of your friends doing that", exclaimed another.
I've seen cringe you people wouldn't believe. But date me docs aren't cringe — they're efficient and a good alternative to conventional dating strategies for some people.
Skip the bullshit
I know what you're thinking. "But Julian, these docs take all the serendipity out of dating! It's supposed to be a mysterious and fun game of exploration. And why do you have to make everything about efficiency?!" My answer is: No, dating can be whatever you want it to be, and efficiency is good, actually.
There is no Biblical Codex of Dating that one must follow to Truly Date. Dating can be entirely up to the interpretation and preferences of those involved, and that’s fine so long as they aren't violating anyone else's preferences. The great thing about date me docs is that you don't have to click them. They aren't going to walk into your office to hit on you while you're working or ask you out via text after delivering your UberEats. They're an open invitation for those who want to reach out.
Dating apps: a case study
To claim in the age of Humbler (Hinge, Bumble, Tinder) that dating is some sacred ritual that must be followed to its biblical interpretation is a bit foolish. We have software on the little electronic communication devices in our pockets that can triangulate the location of nearby prospective partners, who we select (read: swipe) based on a few photos and a short bio.
If you're hopping off the train to Crazyville at Dating Doc City, might I ask why you stayed on as society cruised through Humblershire?
Dating apps are normal now, but that wasn't always the case. According to Pew Research, 21% of respondents in a 2013 survey thought people who use online dating are desperate, down from the 29% who believed so in 2005. This was roughly one year after Tinder was first released, so I imagine this number would be significantly lower now that over 300 million people use dating apps worldwide. Perhaps dating docs will be the next paradigm shift in how we use communication tools to find love.
As for efficiency: it's good, actually. Wasting your time and energy is bad. There are millions of people out there you could date, and you'll be more likely to find your soulmate if you filter for the key things you care about — y'know, the things you can spell out clearly in a date me doc.
You might think your grandparents did just fine without caring about efficiency or broadcasting to the world everything they wanted in a partner, but you're falling prey to survivorship bias. The guys and gals from the past who never had kids are exactly the people who could've used date me docs and the internet to access a wider pool of prospective partners.
Signalling or: how I learned to stop applying this tired concept to literally everything
Some date me doc haters have made arguments along the lines of "well if they need to make a date me doc, that's a signal they're an unappealing partner because they haven't had success before".
Sure, maybe that's what these docs signal to you. The cool thing about signals is that they can be interpreted in multiple ways. Going for runs at 4am might signal to some people that you're a gritty, ambitious person who cares a lot about physical fitness; to me, it signals you're a sociopath.
So while a date me doc sends a chill down your spine, here are some signals it might send to others:
I'm a direct person who values my time
I care a lot about finding the right person
Being open and honest is important for me
I’m not afraid to put myself out there
I'm unconventional; I don't tend to approach things the same way that others do
I'm looking for something serious
Crucially, the people the date me doc writers are looking for probably interpret these docs as a positive signal. The doc writers know this: if they were looking for something conventional, they'd hop on Humbler like the rest of us chumps.
To summarise: they're fine, stop freaking out
1,000 words later, let me summarise by saying dating docs are fine, and you should make one if you think doing so will help you find that special someone.
And if seeing one tempts you to opine about the downfall of society, just don't. You might send a signal out there to the world that you're a judgemental buzzkill.
Another important point -- given potential value lock-in, we wouldn't want to lock in a dating docless society for millennia to come :).
Ours is the era of inadequate dating doc theory. Any other facts about this era are relatively unimportant.
There’s nothing moral or moralising going on here, it’s just boring tribe/mate-value signalling (specifically, the non-autists are seeing the autists do an autistic thing to find partners, and they’re loudly yelling “god I’d never fuck an autist” for the usual reasons).
And, like, yeah — I guess you could say “hey, if you’re not autistic just ignore it and let the autists do their thing?” — but it’s a bit like hearing a Red Sox fan say “God, Yankees cap, cringe” and telling her “If you don’t like the Yankees you’re free to not buy their merchandise, but let Yankees fans do what they want?”
If you’re autistic, I guess it is harder to distinguish genuine normative commitment claims from essentially tribal grunts which take the guise of normative commitment claims. My advice would be to err on the side of most things being the latter (or “prior of 0.75” as you people like to say)